My PhD Journey
Why I pursue PhD? What really motivated me when I first started was the gap that I felt I need to fill in developing my professional life. I felt the need to move from my comfort zone and challenge myself a bit. ‘A bit’ is really an understatement! The pursuit could be overwhelming sometimes. Only those who had been through it could understand the pressure and demands one faced when doing PhD. After gathering enough courage and information on what to research on, I submitted my application to USM in Penang in 2011. USM was my alma mater and I love Penang since I was born there. I completed both my first degree and master there. Trying to be proactive, I sought a professor who supervised me during my master study and asked if she could supervise my PhD as well. Unfortunately, she could no longer renew her contract in USM and recommended another lecturer. She also put in a good word for me and because of that I was accepted. When I met my new supervisor for the first time, he seemed like a strict person. Throughout the years, I realized he is a good kind-hearted man despite the serious façade.
I then became a part-time student juggling between my studies, work and taking care of an ailing spouse. It was a mighty challenge but one would never know one’s true potential until being tested near the breaking point. Only then one would discover one’s true potential and strength. My progress was slow since I could only focus on my studies during breaks and school holidays. Nonetheless, I was able to publish one article in a USM publication Diges Pendidik and presented at one local conference and two international conferences in UPM Serdang and in Penang. These were achieved between giving lectures, marking assignments and changing adult diapers among other things. These accomplishments gave me great personal satisfaction knowing that I still could function as a post-grad student despite the challenges I faced in life at that time.
I got my first break in October 2012 when a senior lecturer from a prestigious university in Wellington, New Zealand offered his help as a co-supervisor. He was interested in my area of research. Prior to this, we had been working closely together for many years in a twinning programme between his university and my institute. He is one of the leading scholars in the field. He was a godsend to ease my journey. My supervisors in USM, an expert from NZ and me made a great team. This was a good turning point in my study. I felt highly motivated at that time. There was clarity in the direction of my study. I could visualize the process that I had to go through in completing it.
However, disaster struck again when my husband suffered a second major stroke attack in November 2012. Apart from being totally bedridden, he could not be fed orally anymore. He had lost his ability to swallow and could only take liquid food fed using syringe into the feeding tube installed through his nose. This had to be done once in every four hours. I got new routines of giving sponge bath and changing dirty bed sheet every morning among other things. I was not complaining and took it in my stride. I believed I was being tested and all I could do was to be patient and accepted my fate. I also needed to put a brave front more for my sake than others and get on with life.
In August 2013, I got another great opportunity. I got the interview for the government scholarship. I was not confident that I would secure it. I brought the wrong proposal with me and not the latest one! In fact, to tell the truth, I cried after the interview thinking that I blew it because I was so careless. I got no one to blame other than myself. Come December 2013, with trembling heart, I checked the result online. To my utmost happiness, I got it! I guessed I did something right after all during the interview. I could not thank Allah enough for all the blessings sent to me. I have tears in my eyes when writing this. I was thinking that I could kill two birds with one stone; studying without having to go to work (I got study leave as well) and taking care of my other half on my own without relying on maids. I had no maid at that time because of the ban imposed by the Indonesian government.
A new chapter began. At the end of January 2014, I began my life as a full-time student cum nurse. I started preparing for my prospectus presentation. The presentation did not go well. I did not receive good feedback. I was feeling down for a few days after that. At this juncture, I realized that as a post-grad student, one must be able to get up again after a fall and be open to criticism. Same thing goes in other areas of life. Based on the feedback given, I rectified and amended the proposal. I received good guidance and support from my supervisors. My main supervisor understood that I could not see him very often because of my husband’s condition. I needed to hire private nurses if I was not home with him and this was not cheap. At that time, I kept pushing myself, telling myself that I could not give up despite everything that was thrown to me in life.
Every cloud has a silver lining. A good news came. I was elated when my NZ supervisor told me that our abstract for presentation had been accepted. We would be presenting in Brisbane, Australia! This was in August 2014. It was a great opportunity to present in front of a roomful of native speakers who shared the same interest with me. I co-presented with my NZ supervisor. We received few constructive comments and I was so happy that our presentation went well. The week I was in Aussie, my husband was being taken care by private nurses. I called everyday to check on him. My parents were with him too. I am lucky to have such supportive parents and siblings. When I reached home, I was devastated because I saw there were few spots of bed sore at my husband’s back. I knew that the nurses were not doing their job properly. I gave them a piece of my mind and determined not to hire the nurses from that company anymore.
Co- Presentation with my supervisor
At the conference venue- Brisbane Convention & Exhibition Centre
Study wise, my spirit was high after coming back from Australia. I eagerly prepared my proposal for defense. My proposal was accepted. Alhamdulillah! I started going to school to observe teachers. If my brother or parents were at home with my husband, I did not hire the expensive private nurses. I just had to make sure I went to school for not more than four hours or else no one would be able to feed my husband by injecting liquid food through the feeding tube at his nostril. He had to be fed every four hours and I was the only one in the family who was trained to do this. That was how I managed the 24 observations conducted in four schools. In addition to that, I also interviewed eight teachers. On average I spent 80 hours observing and interviewing. While doing these, I was always thinking about home and how my ailing husband was doing. It was not easy. Trying hard to focus on the tasks at hand and worrying about him. And again, Alhamdulillah, everything went on smoothly. I was accepted well by the headmasters and teachers of the schools I visited. They gave their full cooperation in accommodating me doing research in their schools. I could not thank them enough for letting me into their sphere.
Being cooped up at home most of the time, I started transcribing the observations and interviews recordings. I took months to do this. It was a real hard work. I produced almost 500 pages of transcriptions. At first, I wanted to use the latest NVivo version. So, I went to few workshops to learn about it. However, in the end, I decided to analyse the data manually because “I feel closer to the data” (Only those who had done this understood this expression). I did a few rounds of analyses using both methods, NVivo and did it manually. This was at the end of 2014. I would be presenting at a conference in Belgium in September 2015, so I needed to have my data and analysis ready by then.
On 20th. April 2015, I noticed my ailing husband’s unusual breathing pattern. He seemed to like having shortness of breath. I consulted the doctor who attended him on regular basis. The doctor suggested that I took him to the hospital. I called my brother who lived nearby but he was away on a business trip. So, I called my sister in-law instead. She came with her little daughter, my niece. I called the ambulance too. My husband was admitted and the doctor informed me that he was in critical condition. I cried and asked the doctor to do what she could to make him better. I called his siblings and informed them about my husband’s condition. I was by his side all the time, changing diapers, making sure he was comfortable and reciting Yassin. I was not ready to let him go.
In the early morning of 24th. April 2015, at around 12.15 am, was the moment I dreaded the most. My husband drew his last breath in front of me. I was alone with him reciting Yassin when this happened. I felt the world around me crumbled. I went through the funeral proceeding in a blur. I did not touch my thesis for months after that. I was in iddah and my parents stayed with me to keep me company and to make sure I was okay. I felt so lost and empty. I had been taking care of my ailing husband around the clock for five years and suddenly he was gone.
When I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I received an e-mail from my sponsor informing me that they will cover the expenses for my trip to Belgium. I could not thank Allah enough. That was a wake-up call. I needed to rise again and to start working on my research study. The trip was after my iddah. So, I could make the trip. I managed to put up a brave front. It was a great valuable experience meeting and listening to the leading scholars in my field. This was like once in a lifetime opportunity for me.
With my supervisor and other presenters
The conference venue- University of Leuven, Belgium
Leuven, Belgium
My spirit was lifted again when my supervisor told that our abstract is accepted and we would be presenting in Florida USA. I always wanted to visit the great country. After the three-day conference, my friends from Aussie came and we travelled USA from coast to coast by MPV. I have checked one box in my bucket list. I was happy.
Coming back from three-week long trip in the US to an empty house was depressing. I buried myself in work to overcome the loneliness I felt inside. No husband and kid, I felt my life had lost its meaning. I did not see the point of doing what I was doing. I was thinking, after getting my doctorate degree then what? All the worldly materials had lost their value to me. What were all these for? I was determined to complete my study just to fulfill my commitment to my sponsor.
At the conference venue - Hilton Hotel, Florida, USA
My road trip across USA
Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At the end of 2016, after going through the ‘low point’ phase of my life for a while, I met someone who had suffered in his previous marriage but in a different way. We clicked right away and we formed a bond when we shared what we had gone through in life. After doing Istiqarah, we decided to tie the knot. Alhamdulillah, I am truly grateful for this blessing from Allah. He and his two little girls are godsends to me. I pray that we will be blessed with happiness till Jannah.
My Viva is scheduled at the end of this month tentatively on the 28th of February 2017. I hope I will pass and get my doctorate degree after all the sweat and tears shed. I just hope I will not have an emotional breakdown on the stage when I receive the scroll during the much awaited convocation.
The convocation
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